What It Means To Be Held

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

-Natalie Grant, "Held"

One year ago we discovered what it means to be held. One year ago we entered the emergency room with our precious Lily Grace, and hours later left with empty arms and hearts. With all the pain from that day, what we remember most is the peace and presence of God that filled that tiny hospital room. We were met that evening with a love from God that is miraculous and unexplainable. The song "Held," by Natalie Grant is a beautiful explanation of the promise made to us, that when everything fell, we'd be held.

One year ago we had to figure out a new way of life.  We knew we would always carry a burden, and we were told the pain of losing a child would never go away.  One year later, we are here to say that the pain does not go away but the number of days between the breathtaking heartbreak becomes greater.  When Lily Grace went to be with Jesus, our picture and plan for our future became very blurred, we had no idea what to make of the mess.  Throughout this past year, God has been so gracious to us.   One day at a time He causes that picture a little clearer.  In Romans 8:28 it says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  We do not believe in coincidences...we believe in a divine plan for our lives.  This year there have been so many "coincidences" that we can see Gods' hand in every aspect of our journey with Lily Grace.  Oddly enough, Lily's grave marker was installed yesterday, one day before the day she went to be with Jesus.  Today, we feel blessed at how God has used Lily Grace to touch our lives with such beautiful memories.  Today, we feel blessed to have learned what it means to be held.     

My Heart Is Full

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime!  Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

A couple of weeks ago we celebrated Lily's first birthday.  I had no idea what to expect going into that day and what emotions I was going to feel.  Honestly, I was dreading the day but knew we had to face it.  I wanted everything to be normal...I guess we have a new normal now.  Michael and I both spent the day together, which was quite refreshing seeing how our schedules don't allow that to happen too often anymore.  In the evening we invited all of our family to spend time together at Pinchot.  It was beautiful!  We had a cookout and each person made a scrapbook page with some of their favorite pictures with Lily.  We wrote messages on pink balloons and released all twenty-four of them at dusk.  

The day turned out to be perfect.  There were only a few tears, the day was mostly filled with joy.  Joy, in the midst of suffering and heartache, can only come from Christ.  Our family took the time to remember all that our Lily Grace taught us and all those memories brought great joy.  

As mothers day is almost here, I want to say that I feel honored to have been Lily's mommy. I am thankful that one year ago I got to spend my first Mother's Day holding my baby girl.  This year I do have empty arms, but I want to tell you that my heart is full.  It is full of the richness that Jesus Christ, through Lily Grace, has given to me.  I loved that little peanut the only way I knew how, and I am grateful that I had the chance to do that.  I have also been blessed with not only a wonderful mother, but one whom I can call my best friend.  On Mother's Day, I want to thank her for all that she has done for not only me, but for our family and for Lily Grace.  She was absolutely wonderful and her support and love meant the world to both of us!  I love her with all my heart and I wouldn't trade her for the world!  

Love you mom, I know you are reading! :)  Happy Mother's Day!

Easter Eggs and The Cross

"For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection." -Romans 6:5

It's hard to believe that Lily Grace would have been 11 months old last week.  I have been thinking a lot about how one year ago we were anxiously awaiting that precious child that God blessed us with.  In our ignorance, we had no idea how that blessing would change our life, make us investigate our faith and rely more than ever on the promise of God.  Every event that happened this past year is enfolded in our belief in Easter.


In our modern day society, Easter has taken the form of painted easter eggs, chocolate bunnies and pink, grass-filled baskets.  I am not criticizing, I actually enjoy all of these traditions as well (we painted eggs this morning)!  I just feel that we are guilty of hiding the cross behind all the glitter and egg dye.  I have always been taught the true meaning of Easter, and for that I thank my parents and Sunday school teachers.  I always knew the meaning of the cross and resurrection, but this year was the first time that I had to really apply it to my own life.


You see, Easter isn't all about the joyous resurrection, there was suffering before the dawn.  Jesus had to lay down his own life and his own will to fulfill Gods' plan.  He had to suffer a pain so great for a sin he never committed.  He went through torture, temptation and a horrifying death before he could be raised to life.  This Easter, I find myself looking to the cross in a whole new light.  I see the suffering there, coupled with Gods' almighty sovereignty.  God allowed Jesus to suffer so that we can enjoy an eternity with our Father.


For me, this past year, while filled with many blessings, was also covered with grief and suffering.  For others, it may have been sickness, death, family issues, addictions or divorce.  The fact is, during our life on this earth, we are going to suffer.  This Easter, I am going to remember all the suffering and pain of the cross, but I am choosing to see the resurrection.  I am going to focus on the promise that God made through raising Jesus from the dead.  That through his Son, we can spend an eternity in heaven where there will be no more sin, sickness and suffering.  Easter is the most powerful example of Gods' never-failing love and His ability to turn what the world meant for evil, the crucifixion, into something so miraculous and wonderful, the resurrection.


I know God is working his miraculous power in our lives to turn our suffering into something so great.  Michael and I have been so blessed by the power of everyone's prayers throughout our journey, thank you!  This month especially, we ask for your prayers for strength and encouragement as we enter into that "one year" mark of anniversaries for Lily Grace.  With that, Happy Easter!  

Respite Retreat

Twelve couples.  Three days.  One common bond.  When I say a common bond, I don't mean that these couples all share the same hobby or have the same interest, in fact it is quite the opposite.  These twelve couples came from all over the United States to encourage, love and support one another only knowing one life-changing event about the other:  they have all lost children.  Michael and I were one of those twelve couples who met in Nashville, Tennessee to cry together, share together and laugh together.

We began our trip to Nashville...Cashman style!  If any of you know the Cashmans well, they are usually running late.  On our way to BWI, we didn't account for early morning work traffic or construction.  As we crawled along 83 south, we prayed, "God, we can't miss this flight.  If we are supposed to be at this retreat, we need to get to the airport, NOW!"  Sure enough, we got our bags checked, safely passed through security and sprinted, carrying our shoes and all, to our departure gate.  Right as we arrived we heard the final call for the party of Michael Cashman...we made it!

Not the best start but we had a lot to look forward to.  We flew into Nashville a day early. One, because we wanted to see the famous tourist attractions that the heart of country has to offer, and two, because it was Michael's birthday.  We spent Thursday and most of the day Friday seeing the Parthenon, Broadway Street, The Grand Ole Opry and going boot shopping!  We enjoyed a delicious dinner at B.B.Kings, listened to some live blues music, followed by a sweet treat from Mike's Ice Cream Shoppe.  

We stayed at a beautiful B&B called Thistletop Inn that was full of character, history and style.  The owners, Mary Jane and Fred, welcomed us with open arms and such wonderful hospitality.  The other couple staying at the B&B were a blessing to us as well, they happened to be in Nashville for a pediatric medical conference.  All these "coincidences" were not by chance, God was in this all!  We got to share our story, Lily Grace's purpose and our faith with these two couples who didn't even know us at all, yet cared so much about us.  The start of our trip was better than we could have ever imagined, God was doing awesome things for us and speaking to us in ways that were so evident.  We needed this time together!

With most of our free time in Nashville gone, it was time to head to the Respite Retreat.  The road to the building, called the Hiding Place, seemed forever long.  Every mile that we got closer, my heart beat faster...I was nervous!  I was scared that I wouldn't know what to say, I would cry too much or there would be too many "awkward" moments.  Surprisingly, we were one of the first couples there to meet our hosts, David and Nancy.  As soon as Nancy opened the door and hugged me, I was put at ease.  The presence of God was definitely there.  As other couples poured in, friendships were immediately formed.  I was blown away by how God was working His way into every detail of this trip.

After all twelve couples arrived and we ate dinner it was time for what I think each one of us in some way dreaded, to share our stories.  Each of the twelve stories were different; the children died in different ways, at different ages and in different circumstances.  One commonality is the pain of the loss is the same.  We were all trying to shovel our way through grief in order to find some sense of relief.  Sharing these burdens with each other was our way of saying we don't need to move on, but move forward.

We spent a lot of time talking about how grief rocks the boat of marriage, sharing fears and anxieties about the future and how to let go of some unmet expectations.  Most importantly though, on Sunday morning through worship, we talked about "hearing Jesus speak into our sorrows."  You see, Jesus was a man of sorrows, he gets it, he knows how we feel.  God sent Jesus, perfect, into a world of sin to suffer in order that we can spend eternity with Him.  In Matthew 26:38-39 Jesus says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and watch with me.  He went on a little farther and bowed his face to the ground, praying, "My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."  Jesus didn't want to suffer, but he had obedience to God and His will.

I believe God is using our sorrow that He may be glorified.  In John 9:3, Jesus said, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."  We never got a 'yes' from God when asking for physical healing for Lily Grace and it was not due to a lack of faith, there was and is a greater plan.  God is using Lily Grace to display the work of God!  As tender, innocent and tiny as she was, you could look into her eyes and see it.  You could see God's glory and purpose...a glimpse of heaven.  Her days may have been short, but He had them numbered, every single one.  In Revelation 1:17-18 Jesus says, "don't be afraid...I hold the keys of death and the grave."  Jesus allowed our baby girl into heaven and she is now staring in awe into the face of Jesus.

Our weekend in Tennessee was more than ordinary, it was spirit-filled and powerful.  We learned so much more about our journey and purpose in our grief.  We now are joined with eleven other couples who are walking with us on this journey.  We are there to pray for each other, encourage one another and hold each other up.  That one common bond became a blessing that we all learned to share.