What It Means To Be Held

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

-Natalie Grant, "Held"

One year ago we discovered what it means to be held. One year ago we entered the emergency room with our precious Lily Grace, and hours later left with empty arms and hearts. With all the pain from that day, what we remember most is the peace and presence of God that filled that tiny hospital room. We were met that evening with a love from God that is miraculous and unexplainable. The song "Held," by Natalie Grant is a beautiful explanation of the promise made to us, that when everything fell, we'd be held.

One year ago we had to figure out a new way of life.  We knew we would always carry a burden, and we were told the pain of losing a child would never go away.  One year later, we are here to say that the pain does not go away but the number of days between the breathtaking heartbreak becomes greater.  When Lily Grace went to be with Jesus, our picture and plan for our future became very blurred, we had no idea what to make of the mess.  Throughout this past year, God has been so gracious to us.   One day at a time He causes that picture a little clearer.  In Romans 8:28 it says, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."  We do not believe in coincidences...we believe in a divine plan for our lives.  This year there have been so many "coincidences" that we can see Gods' hand in every aspect of our journey with Lily Grace.  Oddly enough, Lily's grave marker was installed yesterday, one day before the day she went to be with Jesus.  Today, we feel blessed at how God has used Lily Grace to touch our lives with such beautiful memories.  Today, we feel blessed to have learned what it means to be held.     

My Heart Is Full

"For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime!  Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

A couple of weeks ago we celebrated Lily's first birthday.  I had no idea what to expect going into that day and what emotions I was going to feel.  Honestly, I was dreading the day but knew we had to face it.  I wanted everything to be normal...I guess we have a new normal now.  Michael and I both spent the day together, which was quite refreshing seeing how our schedules don't allow that to happen too often anymore.  In the evening we invited all of our family to spend time together at Pinchot.  It was beautiful!  We had a cookout and each person made a scrapbook page with some of their favorite pictures with Lily.  We wrote messages on pink balloons and released all twenty-four of them at dusk.  

The day turned out to be perfect.  There were only a few tears, the day was mostly filled with joy.  Joy, in the midst of suffering and heartache, can only come from Christ.  Our family took the time to remember all that our Lily Grace taught us and all those memories brought great joy.  

As mothers day is almost here, I want to say that I feel honored to have been Lily's mommy. I am thankful that one year ago I got to spend my first Mother's Day holding my baby girl.  This year I do have empty arms, but I want to tell you that my heart is full.  It is full of the richness that Jesus Christ, through Lily Grace, has given to me.  I loved that little peanut the only way I knew how, and I am grateful that I had the chance to do that.  I have also been blessed with not only a wonderful mother, but one whom I can call my best friend.  On Mother's Day, I want to thank her for all that she has done for not only me, but for our family and for Lily Grace.  She was absolutely wonderful and her support and love meant the world to both of us!  I love her with all my heart and I wouldn't trade her for the world!  

Love you mom, I know you are reading! :)  Happy Mother's Day!

Easter Eggs and The Cross

"For if we have been united together in the likeness of His death, certainly we also shall be in the likeness of His resurrection." -Romans 6:5

It's hard to believe that Lily Grace would have been 11 months old last week.  I have been thinking a lot about how one year ago we were anxiously awaiting that precious child that God blessed us with.  In our ignorance, we had no idea how that blessing would change our life, make us investigate our faith and rely more than ever on the promise of God.  Every event that happened this past year is enfolded in our belief in Easter.


In our modern day society, Easter has taken the form of painted easter eggs, chocolate bunnies and pink, grass-filled baskets.  I am not criticizing, I actually enjoy all of these traditions as well (we painted eggs this morning)!  I just feel that we are guilty of hiding the cross behind all the glitter and egg dye.  I have always been taught the true meaning of Easter, and for that I thank my parents and Sunday school teachers.  I always knew the meaning of the cross and resurrection, but this year was the first time that I had to really apply it to my own life.


You see, Easter isn't all about the joyous resurrection, there was suffering before the dawn.  Jesus had to lay down his own life and his own will to fulfill Gods' plan.  He had to suffer a pain so great for a sin he never committed.  He went through torture, temptation and a horrifying death before he could be raised to life.  This Easter, I find myself looking to the cross in a whole new light.  I see the suffering there, coupled with Gods' almighty sovereignty.  God allowed Jesus to suffer so that we can enjoy an eternity with our Father.


For me, this past year, while filled with many blessings, was also covered with grief and suffering.  For others, it may have been sickness, death, family issues, addictions or divorce.  The fact is, during our life on this earth, we are going to suffer.  This Easter, I am going to remember all the suffering and pain of the cross, but I am choosing to see the resurrection.  I am going to focus on the promise that God made through raising Jesus from the dead.  That through his Son, we can spend an eternity in heaven where there will be no more sin, sickness and suffering.  Easter is the most powerful example of Gods' never-failing love and His ability to turn what the world meant for evil, the crucifixion, into something so miraculous and wonderful, the resurrection.


I know God is working his miraculous power in our lives to turn our suffering into something so great.  Michael and I have been so blessed by the power of everyone's prayers throughout our journey, thank you!  This month especially, we ask for your prayers for strength and encouragement as we enter into that "one year" mark of anniversaries for Lily Grace.  With that, Happy Easter!  

Respite Retreat

Twelve couples.  Three days.  One common bond.  When I say a common bond, I don't mean that these couples all share the same hobby or have the same interest, in fact it is quite the opposite.  These twelve couples came from all over the United States to encourage, love and support one another only knowing one life-changing event about the other:  they have all lost children.  Michael and I were one of those twelve couples who met in Nashville, Tennessee to cry together, share together and laugh together.

We began our trip to Nashville...Cashman style!  If any of you know the Cashmans well, they are usually running late.  On our way to BWI, we didn't account for early morning work traffic or construction.  As we crawled along 83 south, we prayed, "God, we can't miss this flight.  If we are supposed to be at this retreat, we need to get to the airport, NOW!"  Sure enough, we got our bags checked, safely passed through security and sprinted, carrying our shoes and all, to our departure gate.  Right as we arrived we heard the final call for the party of Michael Cashman...we made it!

Not the best start but we had a lot to look forward to.  We flew into Nashville a day early. One, because we wanted to see the famous tourist attractions that the heart of country has to offer, and two, because it was Michael's birthday.  We spent Thursday and most of the day Friday seeing the Parthenon, Broadway Street, The Grand Ole Opry and going boot shopping!  We enjoyed a delicious dinner at B.B.Kings, listened to some live blues music, followed by a sweet treat from Mike's Ice Cream Shoppe.  

We stayed at a beautiful B&B called Thistletop Inn that was full of character, history and style.  The owners, Mary Jane and Fred, welcomed us with open arms and such wonderful hospitality.  The other couple staying at the B&B were a blessing to us as well, they happened to be in Nashville for a pediatric medical conference.  All these "coincidences" were not by chance, God was in this all!  We got to share our story, Lily Grace's purpose and our faith with these two couples who didn't even know us at all, yet cared so much about us.  The start of our trip was better than we could have ever imagined, God was doing awesome things for us and speaking to us in ways that were so evident.  We needed this time together!

With most of our free time in Nashville gone, it was time to head to the Respite Retreat.  The road to the building, called the Hiding Place, seemed forever long.  Every mile that we got closer, my heart beat faster...I was nervous!  I was scared that I wouldn't know what to say, I would cry too much or there would be too many "awkward" moments.  Surprisingly, we were one of the first couples there to meet our hosts, David and Nancy.  As soon as Nancy opened the door and hugged me, I was put at ease.  The presence of God was definitely there.  As other couples poured in, friendships were immediately formed.  I was blown away by how God was working His way into every detail of this trip.

After all twelve couples arrived and we ate dinner it was time for what I think each one of us in some way dreaded, to share our stories.  Each of the twelve stories were different; the children died in different ways, at different ages and in different circumstances.  One commonality is the pain of the loss is the same.  We were all trying to shovel our way through grief in order to find some sense of relief.  Sharing these burdens with each other was our way of saying we don't need to move on, but move forward.

We spent a lot of time talking about how grief rocks the boat of marriage, sharing fears and anxieties about the future and how to let go of some unmet expectations.  Most importantly though, on Sunday morning through worship, we talked about "hearing Jesus speak into our sorrows."  You see, Jesus was a man of sorrows, he gets it, he knows how we feel.  God sent Jesus, perfect, into a world of sin to suffer in order that we can spend eternity with Him.  In Matthew 26:38-39 Jesus says, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.  Stay here and watch with me.  He went on a little farther and bowed his face to the ground, praying, "My Father!  If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me.  Yet I want your will to be done, not mine."  Jesus didn't want to suffer, but he had obedience to God and His will.

I believe God is using our sorrow that He may be glorified.  In John 9:3, Jesus said, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."  We never got a 'yes' from God when asking for physical healing for Lily Grace and it was not due to a lack of faith, there was and is a greater plan.  God is using Lily Grace to display the work of God!  As tender, innocent and tiny as she was, you could look into her eyes and see it.  You could see God's glory and purpose...a glimpse of heaven.  Her days may have been short, but He had them numbered, every single one.  In Revelation 1:17-18 Jesus says, "don't be afraid...I hold the keys of death and the grave."  Jesus allowed our baby girl into heaven and she is now staring in awe into the face of Jesus.

Our weekend in Tennessee was more than ordinary, it was spirit-filled and powerful.  We learned so much more about our journey and purpose in our grief.  We now are joined with eleven other couples who are walking with us on this journey.  We are there to pray for each other, encourage one another and hold each other up.  That one common bond became a blessing that we all learned to share. 

Finding Sunshine Again

Ever since Lily Grace was given a terminal diagnosis, one of my prayers to God was to hear His voice in a new way to help me find comfort, peace and understanding.  I am definitely learning.  Sometimes I get thoughts from God while I am driving, in the shower or laying in bed.  Other times I hear his voice through people that God places in my path.  I chose to write this post about opportunity, because it has been awhile since I updated!  I Google searched opportunity and corresponding bible verses to get extra insight on this topic and one result in particular caught my attention.  The topic headline read, "Finding Sunshine Again."  I loved that!  I clicked on the link and was hooked for almost an hour reading a blog from another Mommy who had lost her baby too soon.  God used this woman who shares the same pain as I do to reinforce the fact that, "God will never leave us or forsake us."

The mothers name is Amy and I began reading her blog posts from the beginning, which just happened to be from the month of December.  Amy freely shared her thoughts and feelings on going through their first Christmas since they had lost their son.  It was painful yet promising.  Amy writes about Christmas day, "There were many moments that day which took my breath away, moments where my heart felt that empty pit of Jeremy's absence in our family.  I tried to focus on the idea of him celebrating Christmas with Jesus in heaven, oh what a sight that must be!  While this was a beautiful image in my mind, I still missed him greatly."  With Christmas approaching fast, I have thought numerous times about how wonderful that day must be in heaven.  Can you imagine?  Honestly, sometimes I feel cheated and I know that is wrong.  I feel that life would have been easier if God let Lily Grace be here for at least one Christmas.  I wanted to take her pictures with red and green tutus and Santa hats, I wanted to give her a stocking, but how selfish am I?  I quickly get reminded of the pain that she experienced here on earth, and in heaven there is no recollection of that.  She gets to experience Christmas with the one and only Jesus!  Knowing that, we are remembering all the good times we had with Lily Grace and taking the opportunity to enjoy the true meaning of Christmas this year.  I made Christmas cards with pictures of the fun times in 2011 and we decorated a tree in memory of Lily Grace.  We are choosing to have a wonderful Christmas season! 

On a lighter note...(I think it is safe to put the tissues away!)  I took a step in a direction that I would not have normally taken.  I went back to school!  The saying goes, "when one door closes, another door opens."  Ever since high school I wanted to attend beauty school.    Instead, I chose to pursue a bachelors degree in business management, which I still do not regret.  The opportunity arose and with a little research, I made the decision to go to Empire Beauty School in Hanover and get my license in cosmetology.  I started two weeks ago and love it!  We are learning hair cutting first and I just can't get enough of it!  I am not sure the exact path I will take in this field, as well as in life, but I know that I am headed in the right direction.  

Michael and I also have the opportunity to go to a retreat in Tennessee for couples who have lost children.  I know I have mentioned Nancy Guthrie before, but I am super excited to meet her and her husband as we take a weekend for sharing and healing.  It is said that 75% of married couples who lose children end in divorce.  That is scary and we choose not to be one!  Nancy and her husband address many topics and issues that couples face while going through the grieving process.  Losing two babies to ZS, they have been called to help others through their pain and it will be an insightful weekend for sure!  Patience, which was never my strong suit, needs to be practiced since the retreat is not until February!  I look forward to telling you all about it!

If I don't get a chance to write before, Merry Christmas!  Also, if you still have a hand print angel from Lily Grace's memorial service, hang it on your tree and remember the beauty of life and the promise of heaven this season!

My Best Friend

"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 

-1 Corinthians 13:7

Four years ago Michael and I stood in front of our family and friends and made a promise to each other.  I didn't know what that promise meant until this year.  No matter what trials come in life, we need to stand by each other.  Michael is my best friend, my supporter, my partner, my everything...God blessed me with such a wonderful husband.  He is strong, faithful, funny and handsome.  We have held hands through the best and worst times in our lives and we never let go.  Michael was a wonderful daddy to our Lily Grace and that made me so happy.  We grew up together and have many pictures to show that!  I made this video of some of our favorites, so enjoy!  (I love you Michael!)

Life Has Been Busy

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure.  And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation." 

-Romans 5:3-4

It's been awhile since I posted, not because I didn't want to or had nothing to say, but rather quite the opposite...life has been busy lately.  A lot of "stuff" has happened since I last wrote.  We've been learning to take these trials and excitements in life as they come, take a deep breath and hold on!

Before Lily was even born, Michael and I had a trip planned to the Outer Banks, we couldn't wait to take our little girl there and show her the beauty that North Carolina has to offer.  After we found out that Lily was going to have a short life we made a decision to go to the beach, no matter what.  Lily Grace hated the heat and cold water, I don't think she would have liked the beach too much!  Michael and I were excited to spend a week relaxing, taking time for ourselves to continue this healing process.  Hurricane Irene decided to make her way up the east coast about the time we were planning to travel south to the Outer Banks, causing our trip to be delayed.  Fortunately, Corolla did not get as much damage as anticipated and we made it to the beach, only losing three days there.  We ended up having beautiful weather and a wonderful week full of friends, family and fun.  The sunrises were gorgeous and seeing the beauty in the sky reminded me of God's presence in our lives, shining his light no matter how dark our present situations are.  It was a much needed vacation!

After returning from the beach feeling refreshed, we received news of my Aunt Karen having to spend some time in the hospital.  While there, she got aspirated pneumonia and her body couldn't fight it any longer.  On September 8th, Aunt Karen went to be with Jesus and I know there was a grand reunion with my Lily Grace.  Aunt Karen was always special to me and I will miss her.  I spoke at her funeral because it was burning in my heart to do that.  Someone gave me a book called "Holding On To Hope" by Nancy Guthrie about grief, loss and trials.  When Karen died, I began wondering "Why?" even more.  In her book, Nancy says instead of asking, "why?" we should ask, "for what purpose?"  I am definitely learning about Gods love and my faith.  God has a plan for me through this pain.  

The same day that Aunt Karen went to be with Jesus, our Godson was born.  Landen Michael James Lewis was born a healthy little boy with lots of hair, and he is adorable!  That day was a bit emotional for me.  In the same hospital, I went from a room where one life ended to another room where one life began.  Not only that, but the maternity floor flooded me with memories, sounds and feelings from our own days there with Lily Grace.  I felt strong and weak all at the same time.  I was so happy for our friends and the start of their beautiful family, we have been praying for a healthy delivery and baby for them.  Through the happiness I may have ripped a few band-aids off a wound that was not yet healed.  There are lots of people I know that are having babies and although I would never have traded my Lily Grace, it's hard not to compare our situations...our time will come!

We recently met with a wonderful doctor from the NICU about options, future pregnancies and our general situation.  Because Zellweger Syndrome is a genetic disorder, Michael and I have a 25 percent chance that every child will have the same disorder as Lily Grace.  Pregnancy or adoption...there are positives and negatives to both.  We realize that there is no easy answer for us anymore, but we have faith that something will work out and we will definitely be parents again.

On top of everything else going on, I started back back to work!  Working at CVS for almost ten years, I have really gotten to know the customers and community.  It has been hard, some people still don't know while others want to acknowledge the loss.  I love to talk about my baby girl, I miss her and want to keep her memory alive.  At the same time, everyday I make someone cry and I feel terrible for that but it comforts me to know the hearts of those customers that care so much.  Going back to work, I also realized that I am called to do something else with my life.  Through Lily Grace, I learned so much about myself and am praying that God leads me in that direction and provides for us along the way.

It was two months on Saturday since Lily Grace went to be with Jesus and this upcoming Friday she would have been five months old.  This past year has been unlike any other and I think we are ready for a break!