Life Has Been Busy

"We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure.  And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation." 

-Romans 5:3-4

It's been awhile since I posted, not because I didn't want to or had nothing to say, but rather quite the opposite...life has been busy lately.  A lot of "stuff" has happened since I last wrote.  We've been learning to take these trials and excitements in life as they come, take a deep breath and hold on!

Before Lily was even born, Michael and I had a trip planned to the Outer Banks, we couldn't wait to take our little girl there and show her the beauty that North Carolina has to offer.  After we found out that Lily was going to have a short life we made a decision to go to the beach, no matter what.  Lily Grace hated the heat and cold water, I don't think she would have liked the beach too much!  Michael and I were excited to spend a week relaxing, taking time for ourselves to continue this healing process.  Hurricane Irene decided to make her way up the east coast about the time we were planning to travel south to the Outer Banks, causing our trip to be delayed.  Fortunately, Corolla did not get as much damage as anticipated and we made it to the beach, only losing three days there.  We ended up having beautiful weather and a wonderful week full of friends, family and fun.  The sunrises were gorgeous and seeing the beauty in the sky reminded me of God's presence in our lives, shining his light no matter how dark our present situations are.  It was a much needed vacation!

After returning from the beach feeling refreshed, we received news of my Aunt Karen having to spend some time in the hospital.  While there, she got aspirated pneumonia and her body couldn't fight it any longer.  On September 8th, Aunt Karen went to be with Jesus and I know there was a grand reunion with my Lily Grace.  Aunt Karen was always special to me and I will miss her.  I spoke at her funeral because it was burning in my heart to do that.  Someone gave me a book called "Holding On To Hope" by Nancy Guthrie about grief, loss and trials.  When Karen died, I began wondering "Why?" even more.  In her book, Nancy says instead of asking, "why?" we should ask, "for what purpose?"  I am definitely learning about Gods love and my faith.  God has a plan for me through this pain.  

The same day that Aunt Karen went to be with Jesus, our Godson was born.  Landen Michael James Lewis was born a healthy little boy with lots of hair, and he is adorable!  That day was a bit emotional for me.  In the same hospital, I went from a room where one life ended to another room where one life began.  Not only that, but the maternity floor flooded me with memories, sounds and feelings from our own days there with Lily Grace.  I felt strong and weak all at the same time.  I was so happy for our friends and the start of their beautiful family, we have been praying for a healthy delivery and baby for them.  Through the happiness I may have ripped a few band-aids off a wound that was not yet healed.  There are lots of people I know that are having babies and although I would never have traded my Lily Grace, it's hard not to compare our situations...our time will come!

We recently met with a wonderful doctor from the NICU about options, future pregnancies and our general situation.  Because Zellweger Syndrome is a genetic disorder, Michael and I have a 25 percent chance that every child will have the same disorder as Lily Grace.  Pregnancy or adoption...there are positives and negatives to both.  We realize that there is no easy answer for us anymore, but we have faith that something will work out and we will definitely be parents again.

On top of everything else going on, I started back back to work!  Working at CVS for almost ten years, I have really gotten to know the customers and community.  It has been hard, some people still don't know while others want to acknowledge the loss.  I love to talk about my baby girl, I miss her and want to keep her memory alive.  At the same time, everyday I make someone cry and I feel terrible for that but it comforts me to know the hearts of those customers that care so much.  Going back to work, I also realized that I am called to do something else with my life.  Through Lily Grace, I learned so much about myself and am praying that God leads me in that direction and provides for us along the way.

It was two months on Saturday since Lily Grace went to be with Jesus and this upcoming Friday she would have been five months old.  This past year has been unlike any other and I think we are ready for a break!